Sunday, November 25, 2018
My World ~ Cancer and stuff
When I first saw these words posted on a website, I felt relief that some out there felt like I do. The original picture was sort of blurry so I just made another one. I wish I could print these out and give them to everyone I know and give them to people that are having trouble after cancer treatment. It doesn't just go away. It's hard enough trying to get back to a normal place after all that was done to you, but you have to go through the scare of it coming back and all of the checkups over the next two years until they trickle down if your lucky.
I went through my own personal hell, as did many people. I had a slew of doctors, nurses, rt's and other random cancer specialists around me. That was a special thing. I loved the people I met; we had something in common. I could cry and they got it and I could freakout until my happy juice was put into my iv before the chemo started. They understood everything. They welcomed me and took me in and told me it was all going to be okay and I'm still friends with some of them today. I love these people and I hate what they all have to go through. Every time I have to go down there for something I like to bring goodies bags. I brought Halloween when I got my port flushed and bloodwork and I'm taking Christmas bags FULL of goodies! It makes me happy to this to make someone smile. I had it done to me and it filled me with happiness.
I got my chemo at my gyn oncology center because it was a small group of people and it was more intimate. There are only 13 chairs so I always pack 13 goodie bags. I actually had my radiation done across the street at our hospital in the cancer center. I had the regular outer radiation that was like 25 to 29 days (I forget) and the 5 brachytherapy surgeries that just about killed me in and of itself. I had to fight like hell to make it through these. They were internal radiation treatments and you have to get put to sleep and have this thing inserted and attached to a sleeve that was put into me surgically not long before those particular treatments started. Between the chemo wreaking havoc with my internals down there, I had to deal with the pain of catheters for all of these surgeries. My bladder is still trying to come back from all of it and I won't mention the problems I have to watch for with my colon. I'm scared every single day about things that might happen. I'm supposed to stay positive but it's hard. I cry most days as I still have my mental issues to deal with as well. I have so many battles and sometimes I would to give up and I deal with that as only I can do.
Today I have been so very depressed. I have cried and cried. I was helping dad take down some of my bedroom stuff and carrying it upstairs the best I could. We got me a new bed coming that you can lift the head and foot area to help with pain and a tempur pedic mattress. My arthritis is worse after all of this as well. I cried because dad said he was getting too old for lifting and carrying things and I can barely do anything and I miss soooooooooooo very much miss when we were all younger. That this life wasn't my reality right now. I miss being young, I miss life with my mamaw on the farm. I miss so many things. I want all of my family back and everyone healthy and happy. But this is life right....
I didn't want to get on here today but I had to put some reviews on my blog and stupid stuff. I don't even want to do things any more. I told myself I wasn't going to do things that don't make me happy because life is even shorter when something is had tried to kill you and still might at that. Then here I come back onto goodreads having feeling like I have to write a little review and then come over here to google on my blog so it won't get deleted. People don't hardly look at my blog so what is the point. After of these years I should have had over 500,000 views but I'm just not good enough I guess. I had a lot of people looking at my stuff before cancer. But since I'm not writing big drawn out reviews, they don't care I guess. I think everyone should be looked at even if they just give star reviews. In this world of books I just want to be happy with people reading books. On google, I want to get with my friends on beautiful pictures they post and try to start posting some again as well. I want to read their messages and poems and just freaking things. But I also don't want to come on the computer for days on end. GOD, I remember back when I wrote that thing a woman had written for her family to share after she died of cancer in her 20's. She basically said it's all bullshit. Spend time doing what you want or what you can in my case since I'm still homebound. Don't waste time on shit or shit people. I have done both. And I have put myself into debt trying to find some happiness by buying too many damn things since cancer treatment. I feel ashamed! I hope to make it better. I hope to make a lot of things better. That's all I have, hope... but I spent more money today. All I want to do is get healthy, spend quality time with my dog and family, buy little gifts for others as it makes me so happy when they send me a text of happiness.
I don't even know if this is making any sense. I just wanted to get a few words out. I will write more later. There are all kinds of things I need to say about my fears and in depth thoughts about my cancer journey. And dad just came down, he always seems to do that when I'm crying. He came down to check on me and Lucy as we still sleep in the living room right now on a mattress. I need to be close to things still. We hope to be back down here in the room in January. I will keep you all informed of my visits and stuff.
I'm going to add a few pictures. I'm not going to add many, if any of myself as I hate how much I have gone downhill after all of my medical issues. Thank you all for listening. FYI: I just noticed I put most of the pictures before telling you want they were, that description is down below the picture. Sigh... I think y'all will get it though.
(Above) This is a picture of Courtney. He was our valet and he was very special. Dad gave him $40 for being so kind and actually helping me to get from the wheelchair into the car on the days I had surgery. I miss him as he moved to another part of Tennessee to follow his dreams. Good luck, Courtney. He had beautiful braids but had them tied up.
Above, dad carrying some of my stuff in for radiation.
A couple of my lovely techs getting me ready for radiation. Notice my dog pillows laying there for my head. I brought them along. I was going to take pictures of the steel room where I had the internal radiation but just couldn't.
My wonderful tech, Pam whom always loved my funny shirts and held me when I cried. She also gave me a plant with a dog pot that I'm going to show next. I need to call her.
Above is a random picture of my port.
One of my favorite people, my oncology radiation nurse. I still call her to this day with any concerns over anyone else. I had just come out of surgery and rang the bell and it was the last day of treatment. Bell is on the left side of the picture.
A chemo friend.
Another chemo friend.
My chemo thing I had to drag around for 6 hours. I named him Herman.
Some of my chemo nurses and my gyn oncologists wife on the left. She would bring her dog in to see the patients. He's a beautiful Aussie/Poodle mix and I want one as I had both of those dogs in pure breed. Oliver is in the picture below!
A couple of my favorite chemo nurses.
Me and mom went to the zoo the last day of my external radiation. I had no energy so she had to wheel me around. I felt stupid. Little did I know the hell I was in for with the last 5 internal treatments.
And my sweet Lucy who is with me through it all. ♥
And in closing, a random picture or the moon one morning on our way to radiation. I had a wonderful one on some of the night time mornings on our way to surgery but I don't think I took the picture.
There are actually several more pictures but I don't want to share everything, just a few.
I'm sad that I haven't gotten to do some of the things I put on my after cancer treatment list. One will have to wait until summer again because I waited too long and it's too cold and it involves feet and water.
The other was to go trick or treating but it was too hot here that day and I couldn't so we ordered a Halloween cookie form the Great American Cookie Company. I should have put that picture on here but I'm tired.
I have another thing on my list that I hope to do in December. I will let you know.
Thank you for listening, reading and trying to understand what I have said. I'm too tired to proof read it right now.
***Cervical Cancer Awareness***