I just wanted to share a few things about myself. I want to be able to ramble on here from time to time so that is the reason I changed my title banner.
I suffer from severe panic disorder, OCD, Clinical Depression, Agoraphobia, Suicidal Issues, Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. I am home bound. I have a lot of things I deal with from day to day, minute to minute. But, we can't know what everyone is like through the computer, through a phone, tablet . . .
I used to be very outgoing. Always doing things with my dog (the one that passed) We would go hiking all of the time and whatever. He was my best friend and the love of my life. He was the reason that I kept fighting any feelings of suicide that I would get because I never wanted to leave him. But then cancer took him and I wanted to go too. It was one of the worst times in my life.
My family and doctors pushed me into getting another dog. I was ready to die but my dad came down every night asking me to go look so I said I will go and if Dakota sent me a Lucy or a Bullet then I would know. We ended up at Petsmart for hours and the retired racing greyhounds came in and there was a girl named Mary that turned into my Lucy. Dakota had sent her to me and I just knew it. Now she's the love of my life and I'm in the same spot. When I think of ending things I have to fight because I don't want to leave her. It's a nasty trick they all played on me.
So, here's the thing. All I do now is read tons of books, watch Netflix, Amazon Prime w/ add on subscriptions, movies I own and boxed sets. I wanted to try to do something good by reviewing books even though I really suck at it. I have so many friends on goodreads where I spend most of my time. Some of us are very close and have each others phone numbers, buy books and stuff off each other's Amazon wishlist, share hardships and sharing our love for books. They are some of the best friends I have never seen.
I try to spend as much time with them as I can, I spend time every night talking to one real life friend on the phone that I have known for years (we watch shows on speaker phone), I spend as much time with my sweet Lucy dog as I can and I try to spend time with my parents. They don't really like so watch movies or stuff and since I'm stuck inside me and dad can't hike any more but we do our best. I try to call my one remaining grandparent every day and it makes me sad we are all getting older and I hate living without the ones that are gone and I cry when I sit and think of the ones that are going to go. I would rather us all go together, but that's not how it works. I want to set aside more time to spend with them because it's so important to be with loved ones before they are gone. Not spending time on the phone or the internet.
I have been having so much trouble for some time doing my reading and my blogging. I have gotten so bad that I have wanted to quit everything, including goodreads and that is the only place I love so that would really suck. I feel like I'm being pulled in so many different directions and I have gotten advice from friends to stop for awhile. To not write as many reviews or blog all of them because it is bothering me health wise. They are so kind to me over on goodreads. But, I still feel like I have to spend so much time getting these books read, reviewed, then you have to look at everyone's reviews or they get mad, and you have to be all over bloglovin' or they get mad and leave and I lose friends on google all of the time because I don't have the time or the strength to go and look at all of their stuff too. I try to post some pretty pictures for them to look at every time I'm on here, but it's not enough. Nothing in life is enough for people. I really wish everything wasn't a popularity contest because I feel like that's what things have turned out to be. I admit I get really down when someone doesn't like my stuff and I don't blame them because like I said before, I suck at reviewing. I'm surprised I even get free books to review. I just want to slow down, be careful of my health, not stress over books and getting to everyone I know just so they don't go away. I do the best I can and it doesn't seem good enough. It seems like it's taking time from me, from my family (which includes my dog, because they are family)
When I start taking breaks or I'm not on every minute trying to do and like what every one does, it doesn't mean I'm not ever going to, it means I'm doing the best I can and I hope to keep the wonderful people in my life that I really enjoy. If not then please let me know so I can take you off my lists so I can make sure I'm spending the time with the people that matter to me. And I really hope everyone decides they need time for themselves, don't push yourselves so hard or one day you will look up and everything has passed you by. I really enjoy the blogs on bloglovin' of people who can still get out in life show all of these wonderful pictures of things that I used to do. It makes me happy seeing people living a life outdoors doing anything. And I love seeing all of the recipes people put up and make-up and clothes (even though I'm not into that anymore) I love seeing little blogs about life and what you guys are doing. It's so much fun to me. I don't want to lose that love. I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough because I'm not on every single minute of the day and talking to people and commenting and liking. Life really doesn't work that way. Be kind to each other and value yourself. I'm sure going to try that last one, it's going to be hard, but I'm going to try.
I hope everyone has enjoyed or taken something away from my little bit of rambling. I hope it was something good and not (lets run from the crazy person) I want good things for everyone and I hope I can continue to write my goofy reviews that some people seem to love for some strange reason =)
Peace, Love & God Bless ♥
Mel
Those last two pictures say a lot. Oh, my sweet friend, Melissa. I do understand the need to try to hang on to friends or to feel the need to keep them in your life. But, any friend who doesn't stay a friend because you didn't click on all their blog posts isn't a true friend anyway. You have to let go and trust that YOU ARE ENOUGH!! And believe me YOU ARE!!!! I don't need you to even visit my blog for me to remain your friend. I love you because of who you are!! I know it's hard for you to see when you look at yourself but you are a SPECIAL, BEAUTIFUL PERSON...INSIDE AND OUT!!!!! I understand your insecurities though. I have them myself. I'm working through them with a therapist and he is really good. Anyway, I can't say this enough. RELAX....ENJOY your reading, ENJOY your reviews (if you feel like writing one), this IS NOT A JOB, it IS NOT A CONTEST (which I know you know and so you can breathe), this is purely for your enjoyment!!!! When I started my blog, I had been reviewing on Goodreads and I was really doing great if I got 10 likes on my review(it's still that way). I didn't care though, because I felt good about writing it. So when I started the blog I knew it would be a v-e-r-y slow process, but I was fine with that because I just needed to do it for myself. I love to read and write and I wanted to combine the two in a blog. I don't read fast, but I don't care. I do have the help of a friend at Lolasblogtours.net and I do book cover reveals, book blitzes and stuff. She has even advertised my blog for me. But if nothing comes of it, who cares. At least I get to do what I love. My medical problems took away the things I loved to do and I had a hard time letting go and stopping grieving, so it was suggested that I replace those things with other things I love that I can do now. So I am!!! But, if I put all the pressure you're putting on them then I would probably lose the joy I get from it. It sounds to me like that is what is happening. Because you say that sometimes you want to quit, but then you say that would be too bad because you love it. Well you need to take the pressure off. Maybe you're taking on too much? You're definitely expecting too much of yourself. If people leave because you're not always clicking like, let them. They weren't true friends. And maybe that'll make room for new friends, who will be true friends. Because Mel, anyone who gets to know you and isn't a self-centered creep, is going to love you!!! I know I do!!!
ReplyDeleteSorry this is so long. I got carried away. But I care. :) xx
I don't mind the long post. I appreciate it =)
DeleteI do cringe every time I do a review now. It used to be fun and not it seems like some contest between people and it's not fun. It makes me all stressed out to have to write the reviews and copy and paste and blah. That is one reason my reviews have become shorter and not very good, not that they were great to begin with. I might transfer some of my stuff to my wordpress but I don't know how to work things on there. It's good you have help with it. No one ever wanted to help me so I just quit with it. This blog isn't all that great because no one ever wanted to help any way so it's just generic. I still don't know what I'm going to do but I appreciate your kindness and friendship xo ♥
Mel, I will always help in anyway I can. I'm still new at it and still learning. I constantly mess up and have to redo things. I started by feeling my way through things. But if you have any questions just text me anytime, I don't mind at all!!! If I'm not sure of the answer I will try to find it. Really I want to help. But if you decide not to use Wordpress that's fine too. It's up to you. But never hesitate to ask me for help, ok? I'm one person you need never feel awkward with because I am still learning too, so I understand. Also I HATE competitiveness and tend to shy away from it, so no competing about blogs here. Although I have to say, I strive for my blogs to sound as real and sincere as yours. I hate blogs where people get too flowery and fancy words. I like a review that sounds like the person is actually talking to me about the book and how they feel about it and you do that. My reviews are still pretty stiff and forced, but I'm working on it. You're my favorite reviewer, even over Paper Fury...and I really like her, so that's really saying something!!! So stop saying your blog isn't that great! But over anything I'm your friend and I'm always here for you for anything!!!! xo
DeleteThank you again for the sweet words my dear friend. I still don't know what I'm going to do and some of the things you mentioned are one of the things that bother me but I won't talk about it on here. I'm going to leave it as, undecided =) Thank you again dear sweet friend. xo ♥
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