Tuesday, May 23, 2017
Just Some Things . . .
I just wanted to share a few things about myself. I want to be able to ramble on here from time to time so that is the reason I changed my title banner.
I suffer from severe panic disorder, OCD, Clinical Depression, Agoraphobia, Suicidal Issues, Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. I am home bound. I have a lot of things I deal with from day to day, minute to minute. But, we can't know what everyone is like through the computer, through a phone, tablet . . .
I used to be very outgoing. Always doing things with my dog (the one that passed) We would go hiking all of the time and whatever. He was my best friend and the love of my life. He was the reason that I kept fighting any feelings of suicide that I would get because I never wanted to leave him. But then cancer took him and I wanted to go too. It was one of the worst times in my life.
My family and doctors pushed me into getting another dog. I was ready to die but my dad came down every night asking me to go look so I said I will go and if Dakota sent me a Lucy or a Bullet then I would know. We ended up at Petsmart for hours and the retired racing greyhounds came in and there was a girl named Mary that turned into my Lucy. Dakota had sent her to me and I just knew it. Now she's the love of my life and I'm in the same spot. When I think of ending things I have to fight because I don't want to leave her. It's a nasty trick they all played on me.
So, here's the thing. All I do now is read tons of books, watch Netflix, Amazon Prime w/ add on subscriptions, movies I own and boxed sets. I wanted to try to do something good by reviewing books even though I really suck at it. I have so many friends on goodreads where I spend most of my time. Some of us are very close and have each others phone numbers, buy books and stuff off each other's Amazon wishlist, share hardships and sharing our love for books. They are some of the best friends I have never seen.
I try to spend as much time with them as I can, I spend time every night talking to one real life friend on the phone that I have known for years (we watch shows on speaker phone), I spend as much time with my sweet Lucy dog as I can and I try to spend time with my parents. They don't really like so watch movies or stuff and since I'm stuck inside me and dad can't hike any more but we do our best. I try to call my one remaining grandparent every day and it makes me sad we are all getting older and I hate living without the ones that are gone and I cry when I sit and think of the ones that are going to go. I would rather us all go together, but that's not how it works. I want to set aside more time to spend with them because it's so important to be with loved ones before they are gone. Not spending time on the phone or the internet.
I have been having so much trouble for some time doing my reading and my blogging. I have gotten so bad that I have wanted to quit everything, including goodreads and that is the only place I love so that would really suck. I feel like I'm being pulled in so many different directions and I have gotten advice from friends to stop for awhile. To not write as many reviews or blog all of them because it is bothering me health wise. They are so kind to me over on goodreads. But, I still feel like I have to spend so much time getting these books read, reviewed, then you have to look at everyone's reviews or they get mad, and you have to be all over bloglovin' or they get mad and leave and I lose friends on google all of the time because I don't have the time or the strength to go and look at all of their stuff too. I try to post some pretty pictures for them to look at every time I'm on here, but it's not enough. Nothing in life is enough for people. I really wish everything wasn't a popularity contest because I feel like that's what things have turned out to be. I admit I get really down when someone doesn't like my stuff and I don't blame them because like I said before, I suck at reviewing. I'm surprised I even get free books to review. I just want to slow down, be careful of my health, not stress over books and getting to everyone I know just so they don't go away. I do the best I can and it doesn't seem good enough. It seems like it's taking time from me, from my family (which includes my dog, because they are family)
When I start taking breaks or I'm not on every minute trying to do and like what every one does, it doesn't mean I'm not ever going to, it means I'm doing the best I can and I hope to keep the wonderful people in my life that I really enjoy. If not then please let me know so I can take you off my lists so I can make sure I'm spending the time with the people that matter to me. And I really hope everyone decides they need time for themselves, don't push yourselves so hard or one day you will look up and everything has passed you by. I really enjoy the blogs on bloglovin' of people who can still get out in life show all of these wonderful pictures of things that I used to do. It makes me happy seeing people living a life outdoors doing anything. And I love seeing all of the recipes people put up and make-up and clothes (even though I'm not into that anymore) I love seeing little blogs about life and what you guys are doing. It's so much fun to me. I don't want to lose that love. I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough because I'm not on every single minute of the day and talking to people and commenting and liking. Life really doesn't work that way. Be kind to each other and value yourself. I'm sure going to try that last one, it's going to be hard, but I'm going to try.
I hope everyone has enjoyed or taken something away from my little bit of rambling. I hope it was something good and not (lets run from the crazy person) I want good things for everyone and I hope I can continue to write my goofy reviews that some people seem to love for some strange reason =)
Peace, Love & God Bless ♥